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Funny

Searching for quotes tagged as Funny found:
 

"The advantage of having a bad memory is that you can enjoy the same good things for the first time several times."
 Friedrich Nietzsche

"Pas de deux: father of twins. Coup de grace: lawnmower."
 Unknown

"Better to get up late and be wide awake than to get up early and be asleep all day."
 Unknown

"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning."
 Unknown

"Most of my friends seem to be either dead, extremely deaf or living on the wrong side of Kent."
 John Gielgud

"I've realised that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one."
 Maya Angelou

"Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed."
 Unknown

"The more one comes to know men, the more one admires the dog."
 Unknown

"To be seventy years young is sometimes far more cheerful and hopeful than to be forty years old."
 O W Holmes

"If you take Christ out of Christmas, all you're left with is M & S."
 Paul Wilson

"Middle age is when your age starts to show around the middle."
 Bob Hope

"One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife."
 Groucho Marx

"If you keep your mouth shut you will never put your foot in it."
 Austin O'Malley

"Committees are a group of the unfit appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary."
 Carl C Byers

"Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straignt upwards."
 Sir Fred Hoyle

"Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier."
 H L Menken

"To err is human but it feels divine."
 Unknown

"Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?"
 L M Montgomery

"The only place where success comes before work is in a dictionary."
 Vidal Sassoon

"There's no such thing as bad weather. Only wrong clothes."
 Sigmund Freud

"Even if your on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."
 Will Rogers

"Diplomacy is when you make your in-laws feel at home, when you wish they were."
 Unknown

"Newspapers are still credible, provided you read between the lines."
 Unknown

"A neighbour is a person who listens to you attentively, through a wall."
 Unknown

"Happiness is a very small desk and a very large waste basket."
 Robert Orben

"One of the keys to happiness is a real bad memory."
 Rita Mae Brown

"Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge, the other guy's out dancing."
 Buddy Hacketti

"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."
 Steve Landesberg

"Rogues are preferable to fools as rogues occasionally take the day off."
 Alexander Dumas

"Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straight upwards."
 Sir Fred Hoyle

"I'm very fond of pigs; but I don't find it difficult to eat them."
 Robert Runcie

"A speaker who does not strike oil in ten minutes should stop boring."
 Louis Nizer

"I hate women because they always know where things are."
 James Thurber

"To the lexicographer 'God' is simply the word that comes next to 'go-cart'."
 Samuel Butler

"When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking."
 Elaine Boosler

"Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger."
 Franklin P Jones

"Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face."
 Victor Hugo

"My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely."
 Barbara Johnson

"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names."
 John F Kennedy

"Status quo: Latin for "the mess we're in.""
 Unknown

"They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realise that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days. "
 Garrison Keillor

"Did you ever think how much labour went into inventing a labour-saving device?"
 Unknown

"How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?"
 Unknown

"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?"
 Unknown

"A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours."
 Milton Berle

"What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary."
 Richard Harkness

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat."
 Lily Tomlin

"How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?"
 Unknown

"It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water."
 Franklin P Jones

"Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed."
 Robert Gallagher

"Sincerity: once you can fake that you've got it made."
 George Burns

"Adam said it was Eve's fault; Eve blamed the serpent, and the serpent hadn't a leg to stand on."
 Unknown

"It's never too late to become what you might have been."
 George Eliot

"When you stop doing things for fun you might as well be dead."
 Ernest Hemingway

"When God made man she was only testing."
 Unknown

"If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old."
 Edgar Howe

"Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included."
 Unknown

"As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists."
 Joan Gussow

"An intellectual is someone who can listen to the "William Tell Overture" without thinking of the Lone Ranger."
 John Chesson

"The joy of music should never be interrupted by a commercial."
 Leonard Bernstein

"Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it."
 Unknown

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else."
 Lily Tomlin

"Post your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas."
 Johnny Carson

"Edible - Good to eat and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm."
 Ambrose Bierce

"Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of dying, he sings."
 Robert Benchley

"Tough and funny and a little bit kind: this is as near to perfection as a human being can be."
 Mignon McLau

"It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married."
 Robert Frost

"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka' but 'That's funny...'"
 Isaac Asimov

"Quotation: something that somebody said that seemed to make sense at the time."
 Egon J Beaudoin

"A psychiatrist is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself."
 Fred Allen

"I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash."
 Unknown

"Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier."
 H.L. Mencken

"I like the way you always manage to state the obvious with a sense of real discovery."
 Gore Vidal

"For every person wishing to teach, there are thirty not wanting to be taught."
 Unknown

"There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it."
 Bertrand Russell

"Retirement means twice as much husband on half as much money."
 Unknown

"Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune."
 Kim Hubbard

"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things."
 Jilly Cooper

"You don't know what happiness is until you get married - then it's too late."
 Unknown

"The Lord sends the food and the devil sends the cook."
 Unknown

"We are here for a short time - let's get all the laughter we can."
 Unknown

"In Brighton she was Brenda, She was Patsy up in Perth; In Cambridge she was Candida, the sweetest girl on earth. In Stafford she was Stella, the pick of all the bunch; but down on his expenses, she was petrol, oil and lunch."
 Unknown

"Happiness is a station between too little and too much."
 Unknown

"An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support."
 John Buchan

"Pedestrian: someone who thought he had petrol in his tank."
 Unknown

"To marry once is a duty; to marry twice is folly; to marry three times is madness."
 Oscar Wilde

"There are no illegitimate children - only illegitimate parents."
 Unknown

"The thoughtless are rarely wordless."
 George Bernard Shaw

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
 Douglas Adams

"The lion and the lamb shall lie down together - but the lamb won't get much sleep."
 Woody Allen

"If my doctor told me I only had six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster."
 Isaac Asimov

"Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt."
 Herbert Hoover

"To err is human but to really foul things up requires a computer."
 Unknown

"If you want to eat well in England, eat three breakfasts."
 W Somerset Maugham

"Asking a working writer what he feels about critics is like asking a lamp-post what it feels about dogs."
 John Osborne

"A banker is a man who lends you an umbrella when the weather is fair, and takes it away from you when it rains."
 Unknown

"That's the funny thing about religion; it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone."
 Lewis Black

"No problem is so big or so complicated that it can't be run away from."
 Charles M Schulz

"Be pleasant until ten o'clock in the morning and the rest of the day will take care of itself."
 Elbert Hubbard

"Happiness is waking up, looking at the clock and finding you still have two hours left to sleep."
 Charles M Schulz

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon."
 Charles M Schulz

"It is hard to tell where MCC ends and the Church of England begins."
 J.B. Priestley

"Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to be as mediocre as possible."
 Margaret Mead

"If you want the last word in an argument say: "I expect you're right"."
 Unknown

"Prayer for all preachers: "Lord fill my mouth with worthwhile stuff and nudge me when I've said enough"."
 Unknown

"The quickest way to make a red light turn green is to try to find something in the glove compartment."
 Gary Doney

"If it squirms, it's biology; if it stinks, it's chemistry; if it doesn't work, it's physics and if you can't understand it, it's mathematics."
 Magnus Pyke

"Every time I start to think the world is moving too fast, I go to the Post Office."
 Unknown

"When Solomon said there was a time and a place for everything, he had not encountered the problem of parking an automobile."
 Bob Edwards

"All men are of the same mould but some are mouldier than others."
 Unknown

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible."
 George Burns

"Summer is the season when a man thinks he can cook better on an outdoor grill than his wife can on an indoor stove."
 Unknown

"Tomorrow is one of the greatest labour-saving devices of today"
 Unknown

"To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of whom are absent."
 Robert Copeland

"Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile."
 Albert Schweitzer

"If God doesn't like the way I live, let him tell me, not you."
 Unknown

"A bachelor is a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable."
 Unknown

"A cigarette is a little tobacco rolled in paper with a fire at one end and a fool at the other."
 Unknown

"Maybe this world is another planet's hell."
 Aldous Huxley

"If I agree with you we'd both be wrong."
 Unknown

"Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once."
 Unknown

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
 Unknown

"Lady Astor to Winston Churchill "If you were my husband I'd poison your brandy". The reply was "If you were my wife, I'd drink it"."
 Unknown

"A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist."
 Unknown

"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."
 Unknown

"How amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper."
 Unknown

"We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot-control."
 Unknown

"As I said before, I never repeat myself."
 Unknown

"Eastbourne - the dead centre of the south coast."
 Unknown

"Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?"
 Unknown

"God must love stupid people, He made so many."
 Unknown

"Regular naps prevent old age . . . especially if you take them when you're driving."
 Unknown

"People read the Bible more as they get older - they are cramming for the finals."
 Unknown

"I wonder why they put a letter "s" in the word "LISP"."
 Unknown

"War doesn't determine who is right - only who is left."
 Unknown

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
 Unknown

"If you believe the doctors nothing is wholesome. If you believe the theologians nothing is innocent. If you believe the military nothing is safe."
 Lord Salisbury

"I intend to live for ever. So far so good."
 Unknown

"A husband is living proof that a woman can take a joke."
 Unknown

"The question is what happens if you get half scared to death twice?"
 Unknown

"A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well."
 Unknown

"I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?"
 Unknown

"Good question: Why is a bra singular and panties plural?"
 Unknown

"He spoke with a certain what-is-it in his voice, and I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled."
 P G Wodehouse

"Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humour. He will always use it in evidence against you."
 Herbert Beerbohm

"Two strawberries: 'If we hadn't been in the same bed we wouldn't both be in this jam now.'"
 George Bellew

"Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your home."
 David Frost

"Cats regard people as warmblooded furniture."
 Jacquelyn Mitchard

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
 Mariah Carey

"It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar."
 Jerome K. Jerome

"The news gives you 5% of what's going on and even that's distorted."
 Charles Manson

"Moses dragged us through the desert to the one place in the Middle East where there is no oil."
 Golda Meir

"And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"
 George Burns

"The problem of the global village is all the global village idiots."
 P Ginsparg

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."
 George Carlin

"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage."
 Mark Russell

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realise half of them are stupider than that."
 George Carlin

"We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavours and furniture polish is made from real lemons."
 Alfred E. Newman

"The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get elected."
 Will Rogers

"A bookstore is one of the only places of evidence we have that people are still thinking."
 Jerry Seinfeld

"If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion."
 George Bernard Shaw

"They invented the three-day bank holiday weekend because you can't lump all the bad weather into just Saturday and Sunday."
 Unknown

"Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon . . smart too late."
 Mike Tyson

"Who wants to be 95? 94-year-olds."
 George Burns

"Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times."
 Wm Feather

"A man of 60 has spent 20 years in bed and over three years in eating."
 Arnold Bennett

"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."
 Joan Rivers

"Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work."
 Unknown

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
 George Carlin

"When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch."
 R.C. Sherriff

"The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course."
 Billy Graham

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."
 Charles M Schulz

"Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough."
 Groucho Marx

"A Yorkshireman reached the Pearly Gates. The recording angel unlocking the gates wearily says 'From Yorkshire eh? Well you can come in, but you won't like it'."
 John Sandilands

"You take your life in your own hands, and what happens? a terrible thing: no one to blame."
 Erica Mann Jong

"In youth we run into difficulties. In old age difficulties run into us."
 Beverly Sills

"The main thing wrong with the younger generation is that we aren't in it."
 Unknown

"If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first."
 Jimmy Nail

"Archbishop: A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ."
 H.L. Mencken

"I really don't think I could consent to go to Heaven if I thought there were to be no animals there."
 George Bernard Shaw

"If a man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform."
 Mary Wilson Little

"Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly."
 G. K. Chesterton

"If all pulled in one direction the world would keel over."
 Hanan J. Ayalti

"The books of the Bible were written over a long period of time. It took God longer to write the Bible than it has taken him to build the British Empire."
 Wm C MacDonald

"Celibacy - If every man gave up women in God's name, where in God's name would be the men to give up women in a generation's time."
 Christopher Fry

"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
 Harry S. Truman

"The old believe everything: the middle aged suspect everything: The young know everything."
 Oscar Wilde

"All you need is love - but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt."
 Unknown

"On my sixtieth birthday my wife gave me a superb birthday present. She let me win an argument."
 Unknown

"You're getting old when you're told to slow down by your doctor instead of the police."
 Unknown

"Jesus saves - with the Woolwich."
 Unknown

"And the meek shall inherit the earth - if that's all right with the rest of you."
 Unknown

"The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can."
 Unknown

"Keep Britain tidy - kill tourists "
 Unknown

"I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong."
 Unknown

"Jesus saves - today he's the only one who can afford to."
 Unknown

"We argued the thing at breakfast, we argued the thing at tea; And the more we argued the question, the more we didn't agree."
 Wm Carleton

"You see dear, it is not true that woman was made from man's rib, she was really made from his funny bone."
 J.M Barrie

"Is the devil to have all the passions as well as all the good tunes?"
 George Bernard Shaw

"People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like."
 Abraham Lincoln

"Virus is a latin word used by doctors to mean 'your guess is as good as mine'."
 Unknown

"Ageing is when you hear 'snap crackle pop' before you get to breakfast."
 Unknown

"I have been told by hospital authorities that more copies of my works are left behind by departing patients that those of any other author."
 Robert Benchley

"My only solution for the problem of habitual accidents is for everybody to stay in bed all day. Even then, there is always the chance that you will fall out."
 Robert Benchley

"To answer the question 'In what countries are elephants found' a schoolgirl answered 'Elephants are very large and intelligent animals, and are seldom lost.'"
 Unknown

"The seven ages of man: spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills and wills."
 Unknown

"- retired - goodby tension - hello pension."
 Unknown

"Old age comes at a bad time."
 Unknown

"Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead."
 Unknown

"Dear God, All I ask for next year is a big fat bank account and a slim body. Please donít mix these up like you did last year. "
 Unknown

"In passing, also, I would like to say that the first time Adam had a chance he laid the blame on woman."
 Nancy Astor

"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before."
 Mae West

". . that is the best. . to laugh with someone because you both think the same things are funny."
 Gloria Vanderbilt

"A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing."
 Unknown

"A bargain is something you can't use at a price you can't resist."
 Franklin P Jones

"Do not take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive."
 Elbert Hubbard

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour and it seems like a minute. That's relativity."
 Albert Einstein

"I've got enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Tuesday."
 Unknown

"My life is all mathematical. I'm trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying."
 Unknown

"Here lies my wife: here let her lie! Now she's at rest, and so am I."
 John Dryden

"I have tried, too, in my time to be a philospher: but, I don't know how, cheerfulness was always breaking in."
 Oliver Edwards

"I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. I love to keep it by me: the idea of getting rid of it nearly breaks my heart."
 Jerome K. Jerome

"Is man an ape or an angel? Now I am on the side of the angels."
 Benjamin Disraeli

"When a dog bites a man that is not news, but when a man bites a dog that is news."
 Charles Anderson Dana

"Mistakes are sometimes too much fun to only make once."
 Unknown

"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
 Unknown

"The real problem concerning your leisure is how to keep other people from using it."
 Unknown

"If quitters never win and winners never quit, whoever came up with "Quit while you're ahead"?"
 Unknown

"They say money talks, but all mine says is good-bye."
 Unknown

"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?"
 Unknown

"If Moses had been a committee the children of Israel would still be in Sinai."
 Unknown

"Noah could have said 'It's never rained before, who needs a boat?'"
 Unknown

"I used to be an atheist, then I became an agnostic. God knows what I am now."
 Unknown

"Don't try to teach a pig to sing; you'll get frustrated and you'll annoy the pig."
 Unknown

"If you convey to a woman that something ought to be done, there is always a dreadful danger that she will suddenly do it."
 G. K. Chesterton

"We should thank God for beer and Burgundy by not drinking too much of them."
 G. K. Chesterton

"Taking it all in all, I do not believe anybody on earth has a worse time than an Emperor penguin."
 Apsley Cherry-Garrard

"I've just learnt about his illness; let's hope it's nothing trivial."
 Irvin Cobb

"Pleasure's a sin, and sometimes sin's a pleasure."
 Lord Byron

"My deafness, I endure; to dentures I'm resigned; Bifocals I can manage, But God, I miss my mind."
 Unknown

"Had God thought that sin would enter Eden, he would have created a parson also."
 Laurence Sterne

"I'm not denyin' that women are foolish; God Almighty made 'em to match the men."
 George Eliot

"Life is like a roll of toilet paper - long and useful, but it always ends at the wrong time."
 Unknown

"To say "foolproof" underestimates the ingenuity of complete fools."
 Unknown

"When you get a computer, you also need a 10 year old child to teach you how to use it."
 Unknown

"The greatest compliment a grandparent can receive "You're more trouble than the children.""
 Unknown

"When your ship comes in, take care you're not at the airport."
 Unknown

"British Airways Poster: Breakfast in London, lunch in New York, luggage in Buermuda."
 Unknown

"The difference between a pat on the back and a kick in the pants is barely 18 inches."
 Leonard Caulton

"The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was."
 Unknown

"Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair."
 Unknown

"The best of men are but men at best."
 Unknown

"A man sometimes gets what he wants, and - it isn't what he wanted."
 Unknown

"People who think they know everything are annoying to us who do."
 Unknown

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night.""
 Sheila Taylor

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
 Groucho Marx

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off the goal."
 Hannah More

"The real problem concerning your leisure is how to keep other people from using it."
 Herbert V Prochnow

"Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children."
 George Bernard Shaw

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
 Oscar Wilde

"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up."
 Mark Twain

 
Found total 261 quotes

Do you have more quotes that would fit here? e-mail them in to me at edna@ednaquotes.co.uk and I'll add them to the listing. Thanks.

 

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